One of our community members Brian Foster (known to most of you as the dodgy looking one who also goes by BFK) has just released his first book:Blackened White. It’s awesome and quickly rose up the Amazon rankings. Here’s a bit of his bio and an excerpt from the book itself:

Brian W. Foster makes his entrance into the literary world with “Blackened White”, a first person account of life, love, faith, and pain. In this collection of poems, essays, and short stories, Foster offers a series of brutally honest, often humorous, and profoundly ironic writings chronicling a journey into his own human condition. Using his unique style of prose and storytelling, we observe a young man wrestling with his faith in the midst of relationships, addictions, sexuality and the unending, relentless desire to be whole.

Carnival

My chest is itching

The coffee was cold before I got here

My glance switches between the waitress’s face and the lack of steam rising from the cup

She leaves me

Out the window, there’s a carnival across the street from the restaurant

Children screaming at 9pm on a Friday

I was never allowed to ride the Ferris wheel whenever the carnival came to town

“Those things are held together with wooden nuts and bolts”, my father would say

We’d drive by in the afternoon and see them setting up the rides and attractions

Then later that night or weekend, I’d walk past the carnival and see the other kids playing

Some laughing, some crying, some stuffing their mouths with cotton candy and giant turkey legs and ice cream

But I always paid attention to the attendants

These mid thirties white men in flannel shirts

Chain-smoking

Pieces of grilled cheese sandwiches

Stuck in their steel wool beards

Pulling levers with the blankest looks on their faces

Like they were somewhere else

I guess a paycheck is a paycheck if you’re one of them

But that made me not want to ride their rides

Even if my father would have allowed me to

If the people running the damned thing weren’t happy to be there

Then something inside me told me I wouldn’t be either

I guess that’s how I feel when I go to church sometimes.

 I’d like to say that I never made eggs with a bad attitude again. I’d like to say that I don’t cringe while reliving this story to this day—I still do. But, I did it. And when I did it and kept in mind that God sees me, God knows my integrity and my goal to maintain a spirit of excellence and he will reward me. Today I am reminded that no matter where I go in my career, relationships, or family life, and when I get so caught up in my ego, my pride, my success, I still come back to the thought of Jesus and our daily scramble session.  

Passions look different to everyone. For the girls we are working with passion could be modeling, singing, rapping, or dancing! Realistically every girl that we are working with at least has said one of those things to me when I have asked them what their dreams are. They have grown up watching the television and the only thing they know that leads them out of the world they have been surrounded with all of their lives is being famous. They don’t have a support system to teach them what else is out there. They have never seen different careers where they can pick and choose what they want to be. All they have is Television or Music to help guild them through life. Most of the girls have raised themselves and one way or another been pulled into “the life” because they were looking for love, acceptance, a father, or a friend. They have been looking for someone to tell them everything is going to be all right. They don’t know the extent of what they are getting into until it is to late and there is no way for escaping. They never think it is going to be as bad as it turns out to be. Then they are trapped in a world where their passion changes to survival. Their passion for fame is dimly glowing because all they can think about is how to get out of the Hell that has them trapped.

When we work with these girls in juvenile hall they are out of “the life,” yes, but the only world that they even know is out there is the home that they ran away from because their mom was a crack head, or they had horrible foster care parents, or they had been raped by their uncles or cousins. So the streets don’t look that bad. They have friends out on the streets that look after them. They are racking in 1000 dollars a day. They get to live in a house with 4 other girls who become somewhat of a family. Yeah they don’t always get along with the other girls or their pimp but to them that life is so much better then living at home. If I were in their situation I would be running back to the street as well.

To walk away from the streets is one of the hardest things that any one of these girls will have to face. They think if they leave the only other place for them is the home that they were verbally or physically abused at for over half of their life. They are going against society, friends, and their now called family (the girls they work with) to walk away from the streets because the man who has the most influence in their life is telling them they are crazy for leaving or beating them for even thinking of going anywhere. After she goes through all of that she then is faced with having no where to go if she leaves anyway. Her passion is to get out but everything else in the world music, television, the man she loves, and the girls she works with are all telling her to stay.
Passion comes in all different forms. Passion for helping others, passion to start a business, passion to love, but the strongest passion is to Live! Giving these girls a chance to have a life outside of the world that they know so well is giving them a chance to not worry about survival anymore. Getting them off the streets and into a safe environment will give these girls a chance to have a passion for something new. A passion to dream again!

What is your passion? Don’t be afraid of failing if you go after it. God has placed it in your heart for a reason and has put you in a place to be able to go after it. Stand up and do something! Go be a world changer!! You have one life to live and unlike these girls you are in a place to chase after your dreams and passions without too much of a resistance.

If You are Not Afraid of your Dreams they are Not Big Enough!!

Community. Friendship. A place of kinship, of finding a kindred spirit. Somewhere you are wanted. Valued. Needed. A place of safety. A home base. A place to belong. We all ache for those things. It’s built into who we are as humans to crave that connection with other people. And it looks different for everyone. But there’s one thread tying it all together - We were never meant to do life on our own.

That all sounds lovely and simple until you actually try it.

No one ever told me that to live in community with others requires incredible risk. I’d somehow gotten this idea that if you were really friends with someone, they would love you perfectly, you’d love them right back. You’d hold hands and skip rope all the way through recess, and you’d never fight, and you’d never have to worry if they really liked you or if they were ever going to leave. Best friends forever, right? It was easy.

It was also kindergarten.

I’ve had a strange (read: ridiculously lucky) experience with community in my life. I have amazing friends I’ve had since kindergarten (and I can tell you – we did not just skip through life and friendship easily.) In high school and college, I found even more people I’ve had the honor of walking through life with. And in the 4 years since I’ve moved to LA, there really are no words to describe the sweet friendships that have formed, come hell or high water. I look around at all of my friends and immediately arrive at the conclusion that I am the least cool person I know. By a long shot. My friends are awesome.

But community carries a heavy helping of risk along with it. Living with the kind of openness that real friendship requires is flat out dangerous to my nice, neat little boxes of life. Community isn’t just always having someone to hang out with when I’m bored. It’s not about looking awesome because I have 500 friends who make me look better. Community is about showing up on someone’s doorstep at 3am because their water heater broke and their basement flooded. Community is about setting an extra place at dinner when it’s inconvenient or expensive. Community is about sitting a doctor’s office with a friend while they wait for test results. Again. Community is also about opening myself up to accountability and too much honesty. It’s one thing to have friends lining up cheering me on. You’re doing so great! We’re so proud of you! It’s a whole other ballgame when I’m sitting across the table from my best friend as she says, I love you, but you are making the wrong decision. You’re running full force towards something you know you are not supposed to do, and I can’t support you doing it. You need to stop. In that moment, every façade I’ve so carefully constructed gets stripped away, and I am down to bare bones. Sometimes love comes with a sharp edge to it. This is not for the faint of heart, people. It takes a lot of courage and trust, even in the darkest moments.

Community is a beautiful danger in our lives. It’s dangerous to our way of life, the way we see ourselves and the world around us. It’s dangerous to our convenience and our self-interest, to our vanity and our general sense that we have it all figured out. Community requires that we make room for others, that we value others and their needs, that we see people for who they really are – their gifts, their talents, their faults and foibles, and that we allow others to see us for who we really are. No one is perfect. But no one should be alone because of that imperfection.

It is ever so worth it.  

I meet a lot of people through church and in the community, many who have been here for several years, and many others who’ve been year less than 1-2 years. Still, a constant theme runs through most of our conversations – “I believe God called me here, but I’m not sure I know why anymore or what He’s doing…did I make the right decision? It’s not what I thought…so why did he bring me here?”

I’m often reassuring people that they are not alone and that many others are in the same boat. I’m not sure what it is about L.A, I’ve never lived any place like it. So transient, so creative, so multi-faceted…and so incredibly unsure.

Some people seem a bit irresponsible, moving out on a creative whim with passion to pursue dreams with  no real call or plan. Others only come because they were sure God called them, but then become unsure why or how things will turn out and begin to doubt. Either way, instability, change, and confusion appear to be the norm here.

This psalm speaks to all of us in that state…stepping out in faith and crying out to God for his presence and peace as we surrender all to follow his call…  

Streams in the Wasteland (A Psalm of L.A.)

by Kevin Pecota

On this windy road, I’m traveling along

Don’t know where I’m going, but still I’m moving on

The words that you have spoken, ring distant in my ear

Once a vivid word, now cluttered with my fears

Oh, I know you’re everywhere

You’re the God that called the universe to be

Oh, if you’re here with me

There’s no mountain that I know I can’t defeat

You provide streams in the wasteland, and ground for my feet                   

The next step I take, you’ve been there before me

Though I don’t see where I’m going, I know you’ll never leave

Take me to the place where you want me to be   

So here we are together, I know I’m not alone

But what about your promise, to put me on a throne

I’ll take the road less traveled, if that is what you want

But don’t forget your servant, still trying to move on.

Lord, I hope that you don’t want me to suffer on this road

I hope that you’ve got a place for me that I can call home

Lord, I wish that you elevate me now, to the highest mountain where

I can see everything, everything

You provide streams in the wasteland, and ground for my feet

The next step I take, you’ve been there before me

Though I don’t see where I’m going, I know you’ll never leave

Take me to the place where you want me to be   

I failed.

In a moment of honesty and spontaneity during the song, Jason starts to cry out at the top of his lungs “Teach me how to love!” over and over and over. Something about this prayer in the middle of the song was so real, powerful, frightening, and forced me to cry out the same words in my parked car next to a Burger King in the middle of the night, which I have not been known to do.

Since then, Jason and I have been engaged in an ongoing conversation about our belief that this is the most expensive prayer of the human heart. Now, many theologians across the globe will probably argue this point with me, but since I don’t know any theologians across the globe, I probably won’t have any of them calling me to argue anytime soon.

The Scripture says “God is love”.

To me, the prayer “teach me how to love” is essentially the human heart asking “Jesus, make me more like You”. If God is love, and our heart longs to love, then we are asking God to make us more like Him. “He must increase, I must decrease”. We sing it frequently in our community “More of You and less of me”. This is our broken, fragile, hardened, confused, fearful, desperate cry for Jesus to destroy anything inside of us that hinders love. Why do I believe this prayer is so expensive? Lately, in my life, I’m realizing the profound impact a couple years of praying this weekly is having on my heart and relationships. Sure, it sounds cute and spiritual to pray this from the heart, or to hear it prayed in a meeting in agreement with other believers, or to read it in a book or devotional, but the implications of this prayer continuously surprise me. 

Often times, the problem isn’t that God doesn’t answer prayer, it’s that He actually does.

My heart says “Teach me how to love!”, and God responds with “Absolutely! I love this prayer! I love it when you are free to love. So…here’s some things that are keeping you from being able to love Me, love yourself, and love your family, friends, neighbors, and strangers.”

My response is usually, “Ew. Is there another way? An alternate route perhaps. A pill, a shot, a class, a book? Something that won’t require me to give up anything?”

But the reality is, in our broken human condition, this cry of the heart will begin to open our eyes to habits, patterns, beliefs, behaviors, thoughts and actions within us that contradict this selfless prayer. So many times throughout the week, I see things happening in my heart, in my community and relationships, and in my own actions which are hindrances to love. And the greatest hindrance to love is the desire for us to have our own way.

Selfishness will endlessly prevent us from giving and sharing love. We intrinsically desire to be loved, this is a reality of the human species. But often, we aren’t willing to give love to someone else in the same way we desire to be loved by them. I’m learning that “teach me how to love” is another way of praying “teach me how to die to myself”. The former sounds a lot more fun to pray than the latter, but I can tell you from (minimal) first hand experience, this will transform your life and can only result in a closer relationship with Jesus, who is love. More fruitful and selfless relationships with those in our immediate circles, a more healthy, patient, and gracious heart toward those who hurt us or make mistakes, and can bring a community of people closer together as we run, stumble, and navigate the twists and turns in this journey of following Jesus.

As our hearts become more about Him and more about those around us (the first and second commandments of Christ), and less about our way, our lives, what we want and how we want it to look (the prayer of John the Baptist), something deep and lasting happens in us, but there must be a death of the flesh and of the self for this to occur, and that isn’t too fun most of the time. We have to trust Him, trust each other, and be honest, vulnerable, and selfless in word and action. These are tangible inward and outward results of learning to love as He desires for us to love. Jesus prayed that we would be “one”, and I believe this is how His prayer is answered. “Make us one!” sounds a lot like “Teach me how to love!”.

My friend Brady always says “It’s not about the accomplishment, it’s about the change”. We have to trust the process of love, and not focus on what results we are or aren’t getting in the immediate future. In this journey, everything has to be reformed, changed, and transformed. The first commandment is established when we pray for God to show us what it means to be loved, to give love, and to be selfless. The second commandment is established when we answer His call to love and to sometimes give up our rights, our frustrations, our selfish desires, and our fear of being hurt, rejected, or our love being taken advantage of.

It all comes down to trusting Jesus, and trusting our hearts and lives with those He has surrounded us with. This is the call to lasting relationship, and to community that embraces each other, right where we are.

In a documentary I watched recently, Bono says “The search for love is the search for God”. Now there’s a theologian I wouldn’t argue with.

May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.

May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, hunger, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain in to joy.

And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.

Look at the great historical example of Mozart and his counterpart, Antonio Salieri, in the movie, Amadeus. I know it’s a bit Hollywood, but here you have Mozart. He had technical ability, but what brought him to impact the popular culture of his day was his passion. Salieri, who some historians say was technically superior to Mozart, was uptight, stressed, competitive, and was so consumed by technical excellence that his zest for life/passion didn’t fill his music. Which one of these men do we know about today? We know about Mozart.

If we care about what God is looking for, He takes high value in it. In John 4, you’ve got Jesus and the woman at the well reflecting on worship. She’s unlocking a longing in her life and a desire to meet with God. She’s confused about what she’s been told. Her ancestors told her “You go to the mountain to worship.” The Jews said to go to the temple. She’s wondering, “Where can I go to find God?” Christ answers that the Father is seeking those who will worship Him in spirit and in truth. Since God is spirit, those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth.

“Spirit and truth” refer to something a whole lot deeper than emotions and doctrine. They refer to the deepest part of our being. That is why only those who’ve been touched by the blood of Christ can truly worship God, because outside of Christ, our spirit is dead. We’re dead in trespasses and sin. It’s the Spirit of God that quickens us, and makes us alive through the redemption of the blood of Christ. There was a whole part that was separate and cut off from God that is now awakened, and it is from that place we worship. Paul says, “I pray with my mind. I pray with my spirit. I sing with my mind. I sing with my spirit.” The place of the spirit is a place of deep life and real passion – but it’s not esoteric spirituality, or mysticism. It’s not theological knowledge or doctrinal purity. Christ is looking for honesty, and complete vulnerability, and that’s where passion comes from. Passion is not just good for us; He’s actually looking for it.

I am always so inspired by the people I meet who have such joy and faith in Jesus. Most often,  it is from those who have the very least.

A man at church shared some of his circumstances with me this morning and his words are still swirling in my mind. I met him a few months ago, when he was close to getting a job and finding a permanent place to live, but a bit down and out. Since then he’s been well, but last week at church he was looking very sad and when I asked how he was, he confirmed that he wasn’t doing well. But it was such a hectic time during clean up I didn’t get a chance to talk  to him.

Yesterday we had a community BBQ at church, and once again I didn’t have much time to talk to him. So today when I saw him sitting alone and church was all set up, I sat with him to hear what had been going on.

He’s technically homeless, but staying in a hotel room at the moment, temporarily  lost his job, his sister has cancer, and he’d been scammed and lost his money, phone, etc. Clearly, he’s been having an extremely hard time. Then he said that at the BBQ we’d someone he’d never met started talking to him and in the midst of that conversation, he realized that none of his problems really mattered. He received a peace and joy in Jesus at that moment and he was reminded that Jesus is really all he needs and all that matters.

He told me he hadn’t really slept last night, because he’d been up for hours praying and praising and thanking God. That he couldn’t contain his joy.

His overflowing joy flowed right out onto me…it made me so happy, not only knowing Christ provides this type of peace and joy for me and others  – but that he’s SO joyful when his circumstances suck from an outside perspective. And he stayed up for HOURS thanking God. What is that?!

The mystery of Christ. The unexplainable Joy of the Lord. Oh, that it would infect all of us in that same way that our tears at church would be less about sadness or heavy hearts, and more often be about joy, freedom and the nearness of Christ. That we’d all be so thankful to God simply for His presence that we’d spend hours on end praising him – no matter what our circumstances – and from there find healing, freedom, and happiness.